


Break on Me

by lover_of_all_awesome_things



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Break on me by Keith Urban, CSD, Chronic Illness, Chronic Subjective Dizziness, Crying, Falling Apart, Friendship, Gen, Physical Disability, Support, Supportive Blaine Anderson, Supportive Kurt Hummel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 08:54:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18753100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_all_awesome_things/pseuds/lover_of_all_awesome_things
Summary: Hillary struggles with another failed doctors appointment. Blaine and Kurt are there for her.This fic is dedicated to anyone with a chronic illness or disability. You will get through this. I believe in you.Also, if you found this based on the tags, particularly the disability, or CSD tags, without looking in the glee fandom, you don't need to be a fan of Glee to appreciate this fic.





	Break on Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was basically a therapy fic for me. I had another doctor's appointment today, where they were clueless again. And so I had a really low afternoon. I spent it watching glee episodes to help cheer me up. This evening, after a half hour crying session, I thought I'd imagine what it would be like if my OTP was there to comfort me.
> 
> This is sort of based off of the "Big Girls Don't Cry" Klaine did with Rachel to cheer her up.

The crushing weight of hopelessness pushed against my chest. My eyes burned as tears streamed in rivers down my face. My lungs felt compressed, like they were fighting the pain, as though they could distract me from my emotional turmoil.

I'd had another doctors appointment today. Another check-in were they were useless to me. Another "sorry, we don't know what's wrong with you, and we don't know how to fix you." Another afternoon feeling crushed.

My head spun as I sat on the ground level row of seats in the auditorium. My dizziness caused me to avoid doing stairs at all costs. It also caused me to miss school. A lot.

I used to be in glee club and photography club and robotics club, but now I'm in none of them. It's just another thing my dizziness has stole from me. My freedom, my concentration, a normal life. All taken.

I look at the drama between so many different members of the glee club, like Rachel and Finn. Sure they get hurt and their hearts broken, but they can still have a normal life. I'm stuck on the sidelines, like this is a tv show and I'm just watching. Watching my life go by.

I'd giving anything for the biggest issue in my life to be a boy cheating on me. At least then I'd have a love life. But no. Everyone is scared of what they don't understand to some extent, and no one understands why I'm dizzy and walk slow, so people end up avoiding me.

So I'm just stuck. I'm that girl with the chronic illness. I'm the girl who misses school. I'm the girl who desperately wants to be normal, healthy. To live life, not be a bystander.

I clutched my stomach and doubled over. My emotional pain was just, it was too much.

I just want to be normal! Healthy! Is that too much to ask?

I wiped my snotty nose with a Kleenex, dried some of my tears with the collar of my shirt. But they were quickly replaced with a fresh batch.

I gave a silent scream. The pain ripped through my body, mirroring my emotions.

I felt like I was drowning in a sea of my own tears, like I was falling into an endless abyss of illness, like I was being smothered by chronic conditions.

"So I was thinking we could do 'Set Fire to the Rain' for this week's assignment, what do you think?" Blaine's voice filled the auditorium as he walked in from one of the wings.

I quickly tried to stifle my tears and wipe my nose before he could notice me. Though he was one of my best friends, I didn't want to see him suffer because I was suffering so much.

"Adele? Why don't we do another Gaga song instead?" Kurt walked onstage, holding Blaine's hand.

"Well, I could never say no to Gaga!" Blaine laughed, sounding so light, a complete juxtaposition to how I was.

"Oh, hey! Hillary! I didn't see you there! What are you doing here? I thought this was one of your bad weeks." Kurt called out to me.

"Hey Kurt, Hey Blaine!" I greeted, trying to sound upbeat.

"What's wrong?" Blaine asked immediately.

Apparently my voice was a little weak from all the crying.

"It's, it's nothing, really. I'm fine." I plastered the fakest smile on my face, despite me breaking inside.

Kurt and Blaine came down off the stage and sat down on either side of me.

"I don't believe you." Blaine said factually.

"Spill. What's wrong?" Kurt pressed, gently.

"It was just, I had a doctor's appointment today." I sounded so small and fragile in my head.

"Oh." Blaine paused, understanding, "Another bust?"

"Yeah. I don't know why I even let myself hope anymore. I just end up hurt. Nothing's ever gonna change." My tears started again, this time I didn't care if I was quiet or not.

"Hillary, listen to me. Don't give up hope. You will get better, one day. I have faith of that. Until then, don't stop fighting." Kurt told me seriously.

"But I'm so broken, and we don't know if I ever can be fixed. I don't know if I'll ever be normal again." I cried.

"Normal's overrated. I mean look at us. A hippo broach isn't normal." Kurt gave me a small smile. I tried to return it, but instead, my tears came with more intensity.

After a moment of sobs filling the silence, I spoke again.

"I mean look at me! I'm a mess! How could I ever be accepted, or loved? I'm worthless. I'm not a proper person." The pain I felt was laced into my words.

"I love you." Kurt said, unwavering.

"So do I!" Blaine added half a beat later. "And you're not worthless, or broken. Just because you're different doesn't make you wrong. It just makes you unique. Please promise me that you'll never call yourself worthless again!"

"But I am! I am worthless. I mean, broken things get thrown away. How long until I'm thrown away? Until everyone gives up on me?" I cried.

Blaine grabbed my face with hands so that I could look him in the eye.

"You are not worthless, so stop calling yourself that. And you will never, ever get thrown away. We won't give up on you, not in a million years." Blaine said, dead serious.

"Hillary, you're our best friend, you're not some piece of trash. You're irreplaceable, and spectacular. Even with your dizziness."

"You're one of the bravest, strongest people I know. You will get through this." Blaine added.

"I don't feel brave or strong. I get called that a lot, but I always feel like a fraud. I mean look at me! Do I look strong to you?" I asked, tears wetting my face, I could feel that my nose was a little snotty, and I'm sure my eyes were red and puffy.

"Yes, you do. Everyone is allowed to have weak moments, and that's all this is, a moment. A moment that will pass." Blaine told me, certainty filling his voice.

"And anytime you fall apart, we'll be right here to piece you back together. That's what friends are for after all." Kurt handed me a handkerchief.

"Thanks guys. You know, I still can't believe you have handkerchiefs." I gave a soft laugh through my tears, but I didn't stop crying.

Blaine and Kurt both chuckled too.

"Well, I can't offer a shoulder to cry on with this vintage army jacket, but I can offer a handkerchief!" Kurt said, sounding a little more upbeat.

"Even though he can't, I can offer my shoulder." Blaine pulled me into a hug.

I felt warm and safe in his embrace, like I could fall apart without fear of judgement or anything. Like I could let my pain out.

I gave another sob into this shoulder.

"Is it ok if we sing to you? It might help you feel better?" Kurt asked.

"Ok." My words were muffled in Blaine's shoulder, but I pulled away, so I could fully appreciate this performance. I loved it when they sang for me.

Kurt whipped out his cellphone to get some instrumental music playing. As soon as the opening guitar chords filled the air, I gave a small smile. I love this song.

I patiently waited for the intro to end, so I could hear their harmonious voices fill the air.

Kurt started off the song, singing by himself.

" _There'll be days your heart don't wanna beat_  
_You pray more than you breathe_  
_And you just wanna fall to pieces_  
_And nights, those 2 AM calls_  
_Where dreams become walls_  
_And you just need a break"_

Blaine joined in, singing harmony with Kurt.

_"Break on me_  
_Shatter like glass_  
_Come apart in my hands_  
_Take as long as it takes, girl_  
_Break on me_  
_Put your head on my chest_  
_Let me help you forget_  
_When your heart needs to break_  
_Just break on me"_

They both looked at me so earnestly, so sincerely, I could just cry. But this time with comfort, not despair. I think this was helping, as my tears were slowing.

Kurt smiled at me, as Blaine sang the next part solo.

 _"There'll be times when someone you know_  
_Becomes someone you knew_  
_But you'd do anything to change it_  
_And words you wanna take back_  
_But you know you can't_  
_When the page just won't turn_  
_And it still hurts"_

Kurt joined Blaine again, as together they sang,

 _"Break on me_  
_Shatter like glass_  
_Come apart in my hands_  
_Take as long as it takes, girl_  
_Break on me_  
_Put your head on my chest_  
_Let me help you forget_  
_When your heart needs to break_  
_Just break on me"_

Kurt sang on his own again, while Blaine gave me a hug.

 _"Oh, when you need somebody_  
_When you need somebody right now_  
_You're where I'll be_ "

I decided to sing along with this last verse, after all, I was a member of glee club, and loved to sing before it became too much.

Kurt and Blaine let me lead, and their voices fell in to harmonize against mine

 _"Break on me_  
_Shatter like glass_  
_Come apart in my hands_  
_Take as long as it takes, girl_  
_Break on me_  
_Put your head on my chest_  
_Let me help you forget_  
_When your heart needs to break_  
_Just break on me_  
_Break on me_  
_Break on me baby_ "

My pain really helped bring that song to another level, I have to admit. My tears had stopped, and their support had helped to subside the anguish.

"You can always break on us, Hillary." Blaine and Kurt wrapped their warm arms around me, giving me a hug sandwich.

Though I still felt hurt, and broken, I knew that with my friends, I'd never truly be alone in this.

"You'll get through this CSD. I know you will. But until then, we'll always be here for you." Blaine smiled at me.

**Author's Note:**

> The song was "Break on Me" by Keith Urban. I'd highly recommend it.
> 
> If you're ever in need to rant and talk to someone about a chronic condition or disability, or even if you just want to chat, you can DM me on Tumblr. My username is lover-of-all-awesome-things.
> 
> Also, I don't mean to offend anyone by the broken or worthless comments, no one is broken or worthless. Everyone is unique and priceless, no matter your limitations. 
> 
> Disabled people are not broken people. 
> 
> I just wanted to add a level of relatibility. Because I felt both worthless and broken today, among other things. I just want you to know that you're not alone if you feel those things. 
> 
> If you have Chronic Subjective Dizziness like me and Hillary, please let me know in the comments. I've never once met anyone or connected with anyone who has it. I'd love to know that I'm not alone with this condition. 
> 
> Even if you don't have CSD, feel free to comment or kudos!


End file.
